Iboga is a powerful oneirophrenic drug derived from the root bark of the iboga bush growing in Gabon - it is definitely a non-addictive, non-abusive drug- i came to the conclusion after doing it that i didn't really want to do it again- first of all it causes ataxia- which was listed in the side effects i was provided prior to consuming ibogaine but i didn't really pay too much attention to them-
when i went to mexico to take iboga i was looking for a miracle- i was needing a miracle- and ibogaine isn't a miracle- it is just a tool like a hammer- its effectiveness is dependant on the user- to get the proper assistance to make a life changing shift in behavior one has to be ready for the change- wanting it- aching for it- if you decide to do it for someone else or half heartedly you can just forget itataxia is the inability to maintain balance causing extreme difficulty sitting or walking- the ataxia lasts up to 24 hours- supposedly the drug wants your attention?- there was an aspect to the drug that was refreshing in some regard- but while tripping i kept thinking- there is no euphoria- i am tripping but it is not euphoric. Perhaps that is where any desire to abuse LSD or X is coming from. besides causing a trip they instill a sense of euphoria- or typically do- and so you have a tripping experience which unties certain brain chemistry allowing you to have perceptions in a different way- this mind expanding part of the LSD trip is only part of the deal- you come to think you understand great principles clearly or to think you have very poignant thoughts in regards to how to live life or what to do with self- but the biggest draw is the party and the bath of euphoria. Taking X is different as it is more introspective and loving- i was told the love and empathy comes from the dissolution of fear but i actually believe it comes from the installation of empathy itself. obtaining an empathetic understanding I believe facilitates feelings of love-During the waves of X (which is more a relationship drug as opposed to LSD which might be more a life evaluating drug-) one seems to concentrate on feelings.
i realize i am digressing but perhaps the easiest was to understand ibogaine is through its relationship to other psychedelic drugs. psilocybin although causing a trip affects the mind in warmth, laughter and color, and though i found it extremely enjoyable- that it made everything funny and colorful and beautiful- there were less life reflections and perhaps no relationship reflection in the effects of the drug. Well iboga causes a vision more like a slide show- there can be people present mostly- i met old black men on trains with no names- they sometimes talked- but i didn't come away immediately with a deep reflection, a deep insight like supposedly some do- strangely enough the earth quaked while i was on this drug- i don't know how much on the Richter scale but it was pretty powerful and i felt a connection with the earth- okay so this is supposed to be how it goes- drug addict goes to place and takes iboga- drug addict trips and sees himself in a new light understanding why he used drugs and realizes he is better without them- drug addict does not have "withdrawal" because he has this ibogaine which converts itself to nor-ibogaine which supposedly fits into the same receptors that opiates fit into and your body doesn't miss the opiates cause it is full up with nor-ibogaine which supposedly has a 2 month half life compared with the 4 hours of heroin and so you should feel good without opiates even though the nor-ibogaine reduction is not causing any euphoria- it is preventing empty receptor sites which cause withdrawal, sadness, mood swings, and somehow i guess eliminates the aches and nose runs and flu like symptoms that accompany withdrawal-
while under the influence of ibogaine i did see myself in two parallel paths- one with continued heavy drug use and one without- and i saw that the continued heavy drug use was death- it is strange because i was reading this stuff about john fruciante [guitarist for the Red Hot Chili Peppers] and how he came close to death from his heroin use, serious bacterial infections, rotted teeth, and multiple permanent abscesses anyway- i was thinking about my own abscesses, collapsed veins, hardened veins, and the damage i did to my ass by being severely constipated for twelve years- twelve years of shooting up heroin had erased every vein i had in my arms and hands and feet and still i was poking around for veins and even using arteries to numb away something i didn't quite grasp- and it wasn't just bodily harm i was doing to myself-
while under the influence of ibogaine i did see myself in two parallel paths- one with continued heavy drug use and one without- and i saw that the continued heavy drug use was deaththere was the psychological damage, there was the relationship damage to my wife and kids, the lost time, the mental blanks, however during the ibogaine trip i never got any enlightenment about my desire to use drugs- okay- nothing happened to me that drove me to it or caused me to do it- my introduction to heroin addiction was self sought and it was pure experimentation- and it was a beautiful feeling- maybe the ultimate problem was- life is about more than feeling- or a lack thereof and when the feelings went away and the heroin usage became a maintenance and then became destructive i had thought i was stronger mentally than any hold heroin could have on me but i underestimated how it changes you and unfortunately the health consequences (from a health aspect the black tar i find readily available is so full of impurities) that it causes - like infection, abscesses, vein degradation, vein collapse, etc. slowly eating you away to a hollow shell, a wisp of a man, a walking ghost- anyway i have been gravitating towards a point in my mind where i don't want the interference of drugs- i stopped drinking alcohol- the other night i sorta thought i wanted one beer but then ordered juice instead cause i was thinking like this- altering ones mind by alcohol sucks- nothing good comes from it- it causes basic stupidity and ilucidity and has hangover effects and in general isn't really providing me with anything i can consider as positive.
I've only consumed thousands of different drinks in the past. But finally i have reached the conclusion that i just want to sharpen my mind and create music and art and poetry and literature and nothing is going to help me to do that except my inner strength which i need to start nurturing instead of numbing- see slowly i have come to the revelation that i have numbed myself because i didn't believe in myself- And i am about to quit this job- quit a quarter of a million dollar a year job i don't believe in, that i am not proud of, to live spartanly in guatemala or southern mexico and dedicate myself to learning and to helping people and start having some pride in who i am and enabling myself to be a butterfly- enabling myself to be a beautiful delicate thing with the aim of helping humankind reach its greatest potential. and i have come to believe that man's greatest potential lies
finally i have reached the conclusion that i just want to sharpen my mind and create music and art and poetry and literature and nothing is going to help me to do that except my inner strength which i need to start nurturing instead of numbingin understanding everything is connected and then acting in a way which benefits and nurtures those around us. every thought, every action, and all beings are connected- and the connection is through the earth and through the ether and through the spirit- its not a god thing- there is no god- it is an earthen thing and the power is in the earth- in the earthquake - in the volcano- in the tidal wave- and the earth is a magical place that deserves respect- the sun god existed because without the heat and the light from the sun we could not have had an existence- we feed off the energy of the sun (almost completely-) all natural foods we eat were driven to grow to fruition by the energy of the sun- and so the sun and the earth and the moon and the stars and the energy that i have burning inside me is the sun which shines on you- the energy which burns in you- to grow a mind is to develop the way in which you move energy- the cause and effect of actions- and so i just want to help humankind reach its greatest potential i want to help disseminate truisms, author parables meant to shake the foundations that the current industrialized mechanized society has come to be based on, and to help people realize that the redwood trees and the mountain streams, the salmon and the tapir- those are really the keys to our survival and the example of one man; doing one thing at a time- the conviction that slowly with patience anything can be done- and will be done- borrowing from the japanese warrior spirit- a warriors fighting power is equal to the fighters armaments times the warriors fighting spirit- if the fighting spirit is infinite the warriors fighting power is also infinite and could not be beaten- of course you might mention a bullet to the back of the head and how unbeaten would that fighter be - but i believe the ability to affect change in the world- positive change, is also a function of resources times energy and spirit- and if the energy and spirit of the man is high enough the positive change can also be great enough without any real resources take for example ghandi, mother theresea, che guevara, or julia butterfly hill. -
i truly want to be good for man- to be impetuous for positive change- a well of assistance, encouragement, and love- when i went to mexico to take iboga i was looking for a miracle- i was needing a miracle- and ibogaine isn't a miracle- it is just a tool like a hammer- its effectiveness is dependant on the user- to get the proper assistance to make a life changing shift in behavior one has to be ready for the change- wanting it- aching for it- if you decide to do it for someone else or half heartedly you can just forget it- it is only part of the picture- despite what i was hoping- i was hoping for a miracle and what i found was a hand- and you can take that hand or leave that hand but sorry (god I wish it were different) that hand won't do fuck all for you- you just have to use it to finish helping yourself- if you want to- i hope you want to-
ps- the people who helped me with my ibogaine treatment in the awakening in the dream house- "casa de iboga"- they have a unique perspective on addiction- perhaps they rely more on the ibogaine as an ends to a means than as a tool with which to fight a fire- they asked if i had a plan for my rehabilitation- and i didn't- i don't know how you plan that- i still don't have a plan- in fact my whole life has been a wandering series of circumstantial defaults- but as far as human beings go- you won't find finer- beautiful, caring, loving, people, taking time from their lives and experiences to help drug addicts try and get well- if there ever was a god- let him bless them
Hi...There are absolutely no words to describe what a wonderful experience I had with you! I feel better--in every way--than I ever have before. I smile a lot and cry happy tears and think about good thoughts and, for the first time, feel good about myself. I want to live and be healthy and happy. I also still understand the realities of life--sad times, angry times, confused times--but I am preparing myself in every way possible to meet all obstacles in a more positive, logical manner.
You are ALL the kindest, most caring and wonderful people I have ever met. I find myself daydreaming about all that happened. My husband and daughter and ecstatic! You have made the most difference in my life that I have ever experienced.
Just to let you know, I am SO pleased with my experience with you guys! It was one of my very best medicine explorations. For one thing, it is just really nice to encounter people with the level of deep integrity, as well as solid commitment to the medicine work, that you have. That is so special; don't ever lose those qualities, okay? I have traveled to be with folks who turned out to be MUCH less together and less scrupulous, so, trust me on this, by now I DO know and appreciate the difference. Also, the general ambiance of the entire scene there in Mexico was great and added quality to the work; that wonderful house with all the little artistic indigenous touches, being able live in that neat upstairs apartment with the fantastic view of the jungle out the door! The walk down to that gorgeous white sand beach at San Pancho. And this praise is coming from a Honolulu boy who already lives in paradise! Plus you guys were such down to earth people; I just felt bonding to the situation in that house, even though it only was for a few days, and was sad when I had to depart. Such a memorable trip and experience. Thanks again. I look forward to being able to do ibogaine with you guys again sometime in the future.